i was going through my Lent book.. and i flipped back to the first day of Lent.. it talked about how we get stuck in a guilt so paralyzing that it leads to introspection instead of directing our eyes to God.. "it is guilt that becomes an idol and form of pride".. and throughout Lent, there have been so many times that i havent followed this.. i let the things that i have done wrong consume my mind.. and i end up in fear of what i've done.. my mistakes claimed my heart and there was no room for Him.. even the mistake itself leads me to more guilt..

i have to have faith in the mercy of God.. and that His forgiveness will allow me to accept the consequences of my actions.. and i know he'll be there with me to get through it.. but by accepting His forgiveness i have to try to change my ways.. abandon the things that lead me away..

Lent is almost over.. and this whole time ive been trying to make myself new.. i kept expecting myself to be this new, clean spirit at the end of it.. and ive found only subtle changes taking place.. i dont know if im just holding back or if the changes i expect can only happen over time.. or maybe BECAUSE im holding back, letting go is a process and i need time to make the changes i want to see in myself..

i havent been to bible study.. but the words echo back to me through my sister.. i need to think of God ALL the time.. switch the 5% and 95% and just THINK of Him.. and allow Him to be there..

seriously.. im struggling..

i want so much to be in a place where i can just have Him ALL THE TIME.. i hate that my life takes that away from me.. sometimes im in the middle of my day.. just wondering where He is.. and why that moment doesnt feel like its for Him..

right now feels right though.. it feels good to take time to get out all my worries..